I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
