My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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