Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
