Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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