There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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