Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
