I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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