u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
