My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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