i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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