My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
