and she was petting her beer can
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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