I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Nicole vs. Life
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Dick very happy bro
Randomize
