Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
