It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
