$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
