Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Randomize