u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
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