I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
