I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
