Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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