His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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