I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
