When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
