i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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