i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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