Already got asked if we're dating
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
