She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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