at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
