She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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