i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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