So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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