I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
