A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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