i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
