I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
