I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I can't turn off my feet"
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
