I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
