wanna go halves on a baby?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
