my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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