some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
