you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
