I hope my margaritas pass through security.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Randomize
