just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
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