Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
