Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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