Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Randomize
