I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize