you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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