I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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