He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
