No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
