I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
