I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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