She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
