There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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