Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
