Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
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