You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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