Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
