I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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