I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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